What’s Wrong?

        The nasty word “depression” has seeped into my brain again. I know its power. It has subjugated me many times. I also know my power. I have beaten it back into the shadows countless times. What worries me is the ease in which it takes hold. Even when things seem great, or at least ok, I have to fight this flow of unexplained tears.  My dearest Timothy asks me over and over “what’s wrong?” to which I never have a suitable answer. I don’t really know.  I have issues that I deal with daily. Some are “normal” issues that everyone has. Others are more deep rooted. I have the issues of a divorce, a special needs child, underemployment, and school….and that’s just what’s on the surface.  I have other, more private, scarier, issues. I work on them all the time. I have to. My girls need me to be functional. I have seen doctors and therapists and been through the ringer with medicines. I’ve since quit them all. They don’t help. Suicidal thoughts creep in there too. I’m not the kind that gives up easily but they infiltrate my head sometimes. They are just fleeting thoughts that I’m too strong to act on, but thoughts none the less. I wonder how much of this screwed up thinking that I have sent to my children. Will they suffer everyday like I do? I already know that one has similar issues. Have I doomed the other two?

           Since stopping meds and doctors, I have decided to try diet and exercise. Why not? I’ve tried everything else. I’m on week two and so far so good. I feel better exercising and eating healthier. I had a hard day today though I’m not sure why. Still no answers but I think I’ll stick with this life plan…it’s working. I also have started participating in a charity program called sewing4souls. I make dresses for kids in other countries. I like giving back. It’s a real pick me up. So…..hopefully, these new activities will help keep me in the light or at least give me a light saber to use on the nasty D. I’ll keep you posted 🙂

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